Insania, 2007

I sometimes wonder if I am in a mid life crisis. I had often heard the term but I always associated it with balding men and little red sports cars. While I am loosing my hair, I have no desire to own a sports car, although a "sporty" car would be okay if it did not break the bank.

I looked up Male Mid Life Crisis on Wikipedia, just to see if I understood the issue. The article had some basics (which is really all I wanted/needed at the moment) but it was far from clinical (come on, it is Wikipedia dontcha know).

According to Wikipedia, "During middle age, many changing factors can affect personality development. "

These factors include:

# work/career
# marriage/spousal relationships
# adult children
# aging parents/death of parents
# physical changes associated with aging

I guess if these factors can lead to a "mid life crisis", then they certainly apply to some degree to me in some, but not all of the examples.

I think the biggest one for me is work. I have not been "happy" with my job in almost 5 years. I do not have deep skill set (it is wide but not very deep) and that has weighed heavy on my mind. I am on call 24x7 and at times I feel I have regressed rather that progressed in my work life. I could probably go on for a long time about this, but I am not sure if any of you have and cheese to go with my whine.

In regards to family, my relationship with my wife is the best it has ever been. Yes, we are empty nesters, but we are not really hurting there. While we miss our soldier son (He is currently in Kuwait), he writes and calls frequently. I worry a tad about my mother, who is a widow (dad died in the Spring of 2002). I have asked her to live with us but she always makes an excuse on why she cannot.

My health has bugged me a bit. I had back surgery in January 2006 to relieve pressure on my sciatic nerve and the surgeon commented that I had the back of a 50+ year old man. I was 40 when he said that. It can be quite depressing to have a bad back, not being able to play "hardcore" volleyball or football anymore, but I am adjusting.

Also according to Wikipedia, Certain characteristics displayed by individuals experiencing a mid-life crisis often include but are not limited to:

* search of an undefined dream or goal
* desire to achieve a feeling of youthfulness
* acquiring of unusual or expensive items such as clothing, muscle cars, jewellery, gadgets, etc.
* paying extra special attention to physical appearance
* need to spend more time alone or with certain peers
* a deep sense of remorse for goals not accomplished
* an underlying desire to initiate new sexual partnerships

Most of these do not apply to me, but I do quite a bit of pondering, "what if..." scenarios. I wonder what would have happened had I stuck with baseball when I was a kid, or what would have happened had I stayed in WV or NC instead of moving.

While I am pleased to that God has provided for me and my family (my wife only has to work part time, 15 hours a week and we hope that she can quit next year), I sometimes feel that I should be more than I am. I realize those are worldly thoughts and Christians should not fret that they are not "keeping up with the Joneses", but most men want to be able to give their wives things. I would like to be able to afford to get something really nice for my wife without charging it (and in effect, causing more issues because of the increased debt) or be able to travel without being tied to a pager and/or mobile phone.

My wife and I have toyed with the idea of starting our own business, but fear sets in and we back off the idea. I have told her that if I were to get laid off (quite the possibility considering I have missed the axe 5 times now) that I would give it a shot. I am sure I could make it work but the big question is could I make enough money to pay all the overhead from the business (there would be a lot less than with most...I have most of what I need now) and a salary enough to pay the normal household bills.

I am 85% sure I could make it work since most everyone that I discuss this with responds favorably. Most feel that my wide albeit shallow skill set would get me off the ground and experience would do the rest. I am inclined to agree with them for the most part.

So, am I in a mid life crisis? I have no desire to chase skirts or relive my youth, nor am I in the market for a sports car or being a thrill seeker. I know my limits and I am able to stay within them 95% of the time. I am however in a funk with regards to my job. I am not happy (even though I work for a decent company) with what I do and haven't been in quite some time. I sometimes wonder if a change of job would change things in a positive way.

Time to do some thinking...