Chronicles, "The BSOB Years"

In 1984 Holmes, Knightmare Duck, Mwonga, Stupid Bill, Carp, and myself started a project that consisted of video taping parodies. That project was an extension of the radio shows Charlie and Holmes used to produce a few years prior. Having a new and different medium (we previously used 8 mm and audio tape) gave us greater freedom to express (and on at lease one occasion, expose) ourselves in a manner that was fitting for us at that time. Holmes seemed genuinely happy with this and since he had a ton of material in his head he now had a way to unleash it. Lucky us.

If you go to www.youtube.com and look at some of the video parodies people have posted there, you will see what BSOB would have been like had we had access to the Internet and real computers back then. Heck, the only major difference between those and the ones we did is the technology. If we would have had access then to the technology those people have today...I shudder to think what the outcome would have been. I think that our acting was better but that is a biased opinion. I know our writing was just as good (if not better -- Holmes really is a genius) than any of the parodies I have seen on the web. Eventually the entire movie list and info about each one (hopefully with a video still) will be available on the BSOB blog. For now you will just have to be satisfied with this.

In regards to the filming, what we did was unique in many ways. First we had a VHS video recorder. Back when we were filming, video tapes were pretty expensive (well $3-5 each I think...it was pretty high for several unemployed teens), and the camera had to be connected to the VCR. Luckily for us, the unit was portable (if you call 30 lbs of plastic, glass and steel costing over $2000 portable) and we were able to go as far as we wanted, providing the batteries were charged and we had a long enough extension cord.

It was also unique because we knew of no other group of kids doing anything like this at that time. Of course nowadays with all the cheap technology available, everyone is doing it.

We parodied popular movies and shows (Ghostbusters, Rambo, The Spy Who Loved Me, Dr. Who, etc) but we also parodied 'SNL' and 'Fridays', two of our favorite comedy variety shows. We called that show, 'Night Lite' and it had everything you could want in a variety show...except talent. Lucky for our 'friends' we never let that stop us. Night Lite even had a sequel creatively entitled, "Night Lite II". Genius, eh? Holmes even started on Night Lite III (see a pattern forming?) but it was never completed.

The parodies and skits were recorded over a 2 year period (during the summer months) utilizing Holmes' apartment, his grandmother's apartment, his garage, and eventually the woods near by. Short battery life and limited amounts of extension cords kept the filming locations close (some people view this as a good thing). Some editing was done (digital graphics and sound) to give the productions a more polished look, however not all things worked according to plan. Some minor errors were made and some of the films have less than a polished look and feel to them. Not that it takes away from the overall feel of the film...NOTHING could do that.

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The BSOB years (to me) were less about the movies and more about the bonding that Carp, Knightmare Duck, Homes, and I did (Holmes, Mwonga, and KD may disagree...but this is my blog). It was a continuation and expansion of our "clubhouse" days with the focal point being Holmes' garage. The garage was not what you would expect it to be like. Partially underground, it seeped water during the wet season and was not quite big enough to park a car. The back part (the underground part) was filled with wet, moldy junk and was separated from our part by a huge piece of cardboard known as "The Abuse Wall". Various insults were scribbled on that essential bit of ICON / BSOB history. I wonder if their are any photos of it?

The actual name of our group was ICoN (International Corporation of Nothing) and it had by-laws, dues (and I think we are all in arrears on dues...) meetings and outings. I think we met on Friday nights, usually to discuss what we were going to do during the weekend. I usually had to work at least one day of the weekend, but since it was normally the morning shift, I had my nights free. No one else was working at that time, IIRC.

The members of ICoN did as much together as we could, but not because we enjoyed each other's company. No, we did it to make money. You see, if one member of the group did something to embarrass another member, the offender was fined (after the accused was "tried" in the ICoN court system). We would then take all the gathered funds and have outings. Needless to say, Carp ended up paying for most of the fines. Even when he didn't have to pay a fine, he normally had to pay a lot of money to the legal team of Sheister, Sheister, and Low Brain Waves for legal aid. Since I watched a lot of police shows, I was his attorney a fair amount of the time. I won some, I lost some, but I did it all for the firm.

BSOB / ICoN holds a lot of fond (and not so fond memories) for me. It was an excuse to get together and do stupid things and film them. It was a chance to be a kid, even though most of us needed to act older. Yes, we did do some stupid and possibly illegal things that (I hope) have exceeded the statute of limitations, but at least no one was hurt. Well okay, I did break several fingers one night in drunken stupor and yes, Holmes did contract hepatitis...and I guess we need to include the near fatal car accident...but hey, we all lived to tell about it.**

After BSOB / ICoN stopped filming, alcohol became a force in our lives. Not just any alcohol, but CHEAP alcohol...Boone's Farm (Kunchy Kincher), MD 20/20, wine coolers, and just about every cheap brand of beer known to man. If Carp was involved in most of our memorable events, then alcohol fueled the rest of them. The misadventures of Carp will be in the chapter, "Sad But True".

*** I want to interject and state that I am not in any way,shape, or form condoning the misuse of alcohol, either underage or adult. The things we did were stupid, dangerous, and irrevocably changed our lives. I am not proud of the things I did during that time and there are many people that I would like to apologize to that may have been affected by my alcohol induced stupor. Alcohol can and will make people do some very stupid things. ***

Many of the BSOB / ICoN gang drank...frequently and even though most of the group were underage, we had no problem acquiring that social lubricant known as beer and wine. The legal age to purchase alcohol was 18 back in my day. The year I turned 18, they raised the age for the purchase of hard liquor to 21 (beer and wine was still 18), so I was only able to get "the hard stuff" for a couple of months (which KD was most likely thankful for). When I turned 19, they raised the age for beer and wine to 19, so I was still legal to buy the goods. When I was 20, the age was again raised to match mine. Again, I was in the clear, but I could see what was coming. For whatever reason, right before my 21st birthday (30 days to be exact), they raised the drinking age to 21 for everything. Since I was well known at a certain watering hole, I decided to see if they would still let me in. The bouncer did not bat an eye as I handed him my ID. It was only 30 days...had he not let me in, I had a a backup plan...I could just go ask Julia to get it for me. Julia was our supplier back when any of us (except her) were old enough to drink. She was 19 when I met her and she had no problem getting beer or wine for us when we asked her. We usually bought hers for her as a thank you for getting it.

After I turned legal age, I bought the beer and wine on occasion, but not as ofter as I thought I would. Julia still bought it for KD (they dated off and on) and Stupid Bill. Holmes stopped drinking for a long while after the "purple chunks" episode (I think it was grape Boone's Farm) and Carp didn't drink all that much, but he did on occasion.

However, not all events were initiated by alcohol. One of the funniest things that ever happened to us was a completely sober event that is burned into my memory forever:

Carp, Holmes' KD, and I decided to drive 2 hours north to Kennywood Park in Pittsburgh, PA. Holmes and I drove together in his car and Carp and KD went in Carp's car. We left about the same time, give or take 30 minutes. Holmes and I made it to the park just as it was opening and bought our tickets. We waited near the gate for about 30 minutes but no Carp or KD. about 2 hours after we arrived, they showed up. Seems they were stopped for speeding and the police officer forgot his ticket book. Rather than let the guys go, he radios in to have someone bring him a spare ticket book.

The rest of day was really fun. I had never been to a theme park and rode my first roller coaster that day. We stayed until about 10 PM when the park closed. Before it closed, Holmes bought a bow tie that had flashing lights and ran on batteries. He wore it as he was riding the coasters and it did look kinda neat from a distance. As we left the park, I noticed that Holmes still had the tie on and it was still flashing. Oh well...

We left the park and headed towards home. I had never been to Pittsburgh before so I did not know how to get back. I saw a sign to go south but Holmes did not see it so we continued west...it was after a couple of hours that Holmes got worried because nothing looked familiar to him. That is when we saw the sign for Ohio...Rut Roh. We pulled over and consulted a map. Holmes, as smart as his is, could not read a map at that time, so I navigated. I found a route that would take us back but it was a mountain road...two lanes wide. We start heading south on this road and Holmes kept asking,"How much farther?". I guestimated about an hour or so and after about 75 minutes, we made it to the highway we needed to be on, just 20 miles north of our town. Holmes got on the highway and about 10 minutes later he fell asleep at the wheel. He slowly drifted towards the median and I grabbed the wheel to keep us on the road. Homes thought I was messing with him and he pulls back...right into the median. Now that in itself was not bad. What was bad was that when the car went into the median, it hit wet grass and began to spin. What was worse was Holmes' car narrowly missed a parked highway patrol car running radar. We came to a stop about 50 or so feet from the parked officer. Her lights went on and Holmes, still wearing the flashing bow tie, jumps out of the car yelling, "Officer, we are not drunk...honest!" I am sure she doubted his story until she directed him to her car and he talked to her for a while. No ticket was issued, but of all things, she came over to where I was sitting and chewed me out for letting him drive while he was tired. When he told the officer that he is the only one who was allowed to drive his car, she told him to roll down the windows and turn the stereo up to keep him awake until we got home.

We pulled into his driveway about 4 AM...laughing at the entire situation.

Another activity that we did while sober was "cat and mouse". Now I do not know how you have played this in the past, but until you play it at night DRIVING, you have not had fun. The rules were simple. One person (car) was the leader and the other person (car) was follower. Each car had at least two occupants, a driver and a navigator. The object was to have the first car attempt to lose the second car. This game was a lot of fun, but needless to say it was very dangerous. It is quite amazing that no one was hurt. Speed was not usually the deciding factor as much as the ability to get out of sight of the following car for a few seconds while some fancy maneuvering was performed.

The first time we played this, I believe Stupid Bill was my partner. I was driving (he did not have a car) and he was my navigator. I like SB, but he sucked at navigation. I would have let him drive but I think his driving was as bad as his navigation. IIRC, SB and I were not very good at this as a team so I found another partner, my one time live in girlfriend, Shelly. Shelly was a great navigator and knew the town very well. To bad she sucked at being a girlfriend.

Now it would be easy to say that the fastest car would do better but that is not always true. The better driver would quite often win out over a faster car. It was all about getting just ahead of the other driver and duck into a parking lot, an alley, a parking garage...anyplace where you could blend in. One of the more memorable chases I was involved in had me and Shelly as the mouse car. We drove for about 10-20 minutes trying to lose KD and Carp but to no avail. Shelly told me to turn down a side road not far from where she lived. It was a very twisty road that put us out of direct sight from our pursuers much of the time. We rounded a corner near the end of the road, crossed a bridge, and rounded another corner when I spied a parking lot with about 3-4 cars in it parked at odd angles. I turned off my headlights and did a sharp, high speed turn into the lot, using my parking brake to slow down. KD and Carp flew right past us and did not come back. We sat there for a little while ducked down so we would not be immediately visible. Shelly giggled (I never saw a 20 year old woman giggle so much) and said the game was fun. She did her best to convince me to head back to her place, but I told her that KD and Carp would look there first once they realized that we had lost them. Instead, we continued driving down that twisty road until we were at the Main Street intersection.

I later caught up with KD and Carp and they asked me where I went so I told them. I did not tell them about the lights and the parking brake, though...but I guess they figured it out. I turned off the lights for obvious reasons and I used the parking brake because it did not light up the brake lights when it was used. We played this game only at night so you got used to headlight and tail light patterns. It was a fun past time.

Other memorable events that occurred during the BSOB / ICoN years:

* The depantsing of Clogger (on the balcony of his apartment...during the Italian Heritage Arts Festival).
* Christmas Day meals at "The Canteen".
* The flood of 1985 and "The Canteen" being open despite the fact there was flood water up to the doorstep.
* New Years Eve at the brick yard.
* Carp working his kendo stick better drunk than he did sober.
* Ellen putting my car in a ditch out in the country and the scary, evil looking farmer who helped get it out.
* Rat Patrols (commando raids at the brickyard).
* Parties and fights on Sycamore Road.
* Snake Hollow (that probably deserves its own chapter).
* Walking the railroad tracks at night.

** Please see the chapter entitled "Sad But True" for more information.