Chronicles, "Sad But True"

This entry has the potential to be the most painful of all the "Chronicles". It is painful on many levels and I am not sure how much I can get into without either betraying a friend, breaking down and crying, or both. The subject of this chapter is one of the most entertaining people I have ever met and became a tragic hero of sorts. Carp provided us with more entertaining memories than any other member of the group. He was our red-headed stepchild, our whipping boy, and our clown prince. If something embarrassing was going to be done, you could bet Carp was going to be involved. From "Bat Dude", to his portrayal of the flaming homosexual "Biff" in "The Dumb Ones", to his overly dysfunctional family, Carp made us laugh. Tragically though, he made us cry in the end by taking his own life.

My earliest memories of Carp are from about 30 years ago when he was a young entrepreneur. Our beloved fish lipped friend was going door to door selling zucchini from a wagon he pulled behind him. A few of us began picking on and teasing him about selling vegetables to make money. He kept his cool and never tried to retaliate. While I do not know how it happened, he was eventually integrated into the group...and we were forever changed by him and his brand of humor.

I guess the best place to begin would be with Carp's family. Carp lived with his father (a transmission specialist) and his step mother, a horribly mean woman we called "Boots", after her preferred footwear (I swear I never saw the at woman wear sneakers). Carp's father verbally abused him however I do not know if that was because Boots treated Carp so poorly or if it was just the way his dad always treated him. Needless to say, Carp did not like living with his dad and Boots in the little rundown house/transmission shop by the river, so much so he spent most of his time at his grandparents (who lived down the street from me and KD). Whenever Carp was at home, calling him was useless because when he was allowed to talk, Boots would yell to him, "Five F$%king minutes, Carp!" If we drove down to talk to him, Boots would come outside in her "boots du jour" and tell us he was busy. I am not kidding when I tell you this hillbilly woman only wore boots. Even if she was wearing shorts (OH, MY EYES, MY EYES!) she wore boots. I wonder what her slippers looked like...but I digress.

As bad as it was to pick on him, Carp gave us so much ammo that it was hard (in my pre-Christian days) not to. He had a very dysfunctional family that Jeff Foxworthy could use for material (all of these are true):

* If you have ever named your baby girl after a store brand dish washing liquid, you might be a redneck.
* If you have ever made a pass at your son's teen-age girlfriend, you might be a redneck.
* If you have ever urinated in your empty beer bottle because you were too lazy to get up to go to the toilet, you might be a redneck.

The house that Carp and his family lived in was by a river that meandered through our small town. This river was very disgusting..it had crud in it from years and years of littering, as well as raw sewage being dumped into it daily. Carp was always (I gag recalling this) fishing, wading, swimming, or canoing in that stream of noxious waste. He spent so much time in that filth that KD started a rumor that Carp was not born of woman, but he was spawned in that river. Henceforth the nickname, "Carp" (Real carp can easily survive as well as thrive in polluted water).

Since he was spending most of his free time with his grandparents, Carp had a greater degree of freedom than he did when he was at home. This freedom eventually allowed him to spend time with the gang and we appreciated it. As KD reminded me, we were pretty poor and Carp's grandparents tended to spoil him and his siblings. His Grandma's house hosted several D&D gatherings for us...something we greatly appreciated. Grandma had great snacks (Soft Batch cookies, Pepsi, chips. ice cream) and the entire basement was usable as our gathering area. This was a very nice set-up for a bunch of teens needing a place to gather out of the elements and stay out of trouble.

Many of Carp's dares (which by the way he never backed down from) led to some of the more memorable events we had as a group. Case in point, Carp once dressed up in a lone ranger mask (the kind that looks like a blindfold with holes cut out for eyes), dark clothes, and a cape and walked into Kroger's to buy at Batman comic book. We filmed it. Later on, Bat Dude made guest appearances at Long John Silver's, McDonald's, and Wendy's. When I go back and look at that video, I cannot help but laugh. I am surprised we did not get arrested. There were others but in an effort to keep this blog "PG", I will not include those. Needless to say, those who knew him, know exactly what I am talking about.

Carp evolved (no pun intended) into something of a metrosexual before it was the fad that it is today. It was this behavior that led Holmes to cast him as "Biff" in the BSOB short film, "The Dumb Ones". Carp had no problem at all playing a homosexual during an era of incredible homophobia, especially in small town America. He actually seemed to enjoy the role and had fun with it. Carp was a good actor. He also was a hard guy to figure out...just when you thought you knew what made him tick, he would change. Once we were using wooden swords to beat each other senseless (physical D&D), Carp decided to change allegiance from KD's side to mine and Holmes' side. We did not think he was serious, so we gave him a quest that we were sure he would fail. Carp was told to steal a "treasure" from KD and bring it back to us as a sign of loyalty. He did us one better. He told us to follow him and asked us to watch as he broke KD's most valued treasure (I think it was a large glass globe of some kind) into about a million pieces by throwing a "war hammer" at it (if you have ever heard someone say that an event appeared to happen in slow motion...believe them. That is exactly what happened when Carp threw the hammer). KD was furious and nearly speechless. He pulled out his ever present wrist rocket sling shot, picked up a small crab apple, and pulled back, taking aim. Carp, wanting to avoid getting hit with a small but painful crab apple, hid behind a tree. KD fired, hoping to hit Carp in the leg or shoulder and cause him great pain (apples HURT when used as weapons). What happened next amazed us then and still does to this day. The crab apple curved impossibly around the tree and hit Carp in the mouth, causing him to choke. We had to do the Heimlich maneuver on him so he would not die! Weird stuff.

There were other things that Carp did that will remain in my thoughts for many years. One night at a party that was being held up a "holler" (a "hollow" -- deserted country road for all you city folks), Carp did some very strange things. The first thing I recall was Carp trying to be debonair with some young women and in the process of trying to get one to give him her number, he puked in her shoes that she had sitting outside her car (The hollow was muddy, so she got back in the car sans her shoes). With that event firmly planted in everyone's mind, a drunken Carp walks through a small bonfire (about 6 ft x 3 ft) unscathed. Later on that evening, the police came to raid the party and Carp, unable to find a ride, dives into the back of a pick-up truck. Since the truck's owner was no where in site, Carp was forced to make his escape on foot. He ran over the hill into the woods and headed in the general direction of KD's grandmother's house. A couple of hours later, Carp arrived there cold and wet. According to the story told by KD, Carp "Rambo'd" it home, falling into a sulfur creek (common in mining towns) along the way. He had taken his shirt off and was very scratched up from the briars and brush. KD explained that Carp pecked on the glass crying out, "KD, I am cold...let me in"...still obviously very drunk.

Not all Carp's escapades were alcohol fueled. There were a few memorable moments where we all were sober... as hard as that is to believe. A few of them revolve around Carp's Mustang. I do not know what year it was...all I know is that it was primer black and had a 4 cylinder engine that leaked oil like a sieve.

I was the only car owner for a while. KD was able to borrow a car from his parents every now and then (he did not get one of his own until later) and Holmes' car had a bad exhaust leak and the vehicle that replaced it, well it overheated...a lot. Carp had a Dodge Omni but that was totaled in a near fatal car accident that banged up Holmes pretty good...I do not remember the injuries to Carp and KD. The Mustang was a beater...in every sense of the word and Carp used it that way. Carp drove it at high rates of speed (well as fast it could go having a four banger and loaded with 4 guys) over a set of railroad tracks in the warehouse district of town...just to see if it would get air born, and it did. He also would drive it down to the trailer yard (where empty semi trailers were parked) UNDER the parked trailers...at high rats of speed. There was not a lot of room to spare when he did this which is why he ended up tearing up part of the roof of the car when he went under one with only one passenger instead of the 2-3 he normally had.

Carp was also the driver the night that we got chased by an angry country boy. Not that I blame him for being angry...KD didn't ask him before he played home run derby with his...mailbox. I honestly thought that we were going to die that night. The country boy did not give up chasing us for quite some time. We did not know the roads we were on and we could have easily ended up at a dead end...literally. After what seemed like an eternity, the chase was over and we escaped. We ended up at a local party location, but there were none to be found. After a few minutes of joking with each other, we drove back home.

After I was married and moved to NC, I lost track of Carp. I managed to visit him once at his new home after he got married. We chatted for a bit but I felt a uncomfortable around his new wife so I cut our visit short. That was the last time I ever saw him. When I learned of his death, I went numb. I had trouble grasping the idea that I would never get to joke around with him ever again. Not surprising, KD and Holmes were visibly shaken by this as well.

I am sure there are many more stories that I have forgotten that KD and Holmes will touch on. Those may or may not be included depending on content and my mood. I may have not known Carp very long but he made a lasting impression on me as well as the rest of the BSOB gang.

Be at peace, Carp.