Gift From My Son

My son e-mailed me some Jack Bauer-isms last night...

* If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
* If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
* Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
* If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's definitely beef.
* Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
* Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
* 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
* Let's get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
* When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.
* Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
* Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
* Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
* Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
* Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
* When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
* Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal.
* Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
* Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better do it.
* Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
* Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
* When you open a can of whoop-a$$, Jack Bauer jumps out.
* When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
* You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
* Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
* When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
* Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
* In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the heck have you done with your life?
* Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
* If you spell Jack Bauer in a Scrabble game, you win. Forever.
* In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
* Jack Bauer can order a Big Mac at Burger King.
* Guns don't kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
* Jack Bauer laughs at the movie Mission Impossible. There is no such thing as an impossible mission for Jack.
* Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
* If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
* What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.

That makes me want to see if I can find list of Jack Bauer "one-liners" he has said in "24":

"This isn't over yet."
"It felt pretty personal when you killed my wife."
"I'm gonna need a hacksaw."
"Trust me, you dont wanna go down this road with me."

I guess I am gonna have to search for more :)