Our son came back from Kuwait around Thanksgiving time but this week was the first we have been able to see him. He moved to Maryland to live with his bio-mom. Some part of me uspset about that but I have to remember that he needs to spread his wings and live his own life.
Soldier Boy had coffee with my wife on Monday and the next day we went out for a gourmet burger (that is what he said he wanted) and chatted for a couple of hours while we enjoyed the food. On the way there, my wife and I decided not to bring up anything about SoBo living with his mom or anything about family or pet health. My wife said that health conversations tended to bring Sobo down. I agreed.
When we got to Scotty P's, we ordered and SoBo tried to pay but I refused his offer. While we waited for our food, we talked and after the meal was over, he began to open up a bit more.
He began to describe life with his mom. While he was not derogatory, the picture he painted was a sad one. It appears that his mother does not work, not that she has too, but if you are going to be home all day you should have more than the TV to keep you occupied.
I got the impressions that she was trying to win SoBo over by doing little things for him. I guess this is natural since he has not been in her life for 16 years, but the way SoBo described it just sounded so sad. "I really hate that mom is home alone while I am down here finalizing things and visiting." I asked him why he felt bad. Was her husband gone? No he was just working his normal hours. I think she is suffering from depression.
My ex-wife, (SoBo's mom) has had five kids (Sobo, his older sister (who has 2 kids of her own and one on the way), the twins, and another boy) by 4 different men and has been married 3 times. She lost custody of SoBo and his sister 17 years ago and lost custody of her other three children some time later (most likely within the past 7-10 years). It really is sad. I honestly feel quite sorry for her.
Since SoBo brought up his mom and had been carrying the conversation so far, I asked rather innocuous questions and soon found out that she still harbored very negative feelings towards me. Now I am not denying her right to be hurt or even mad at my part of our failed marriage, but to be bitter after 16 years is just a bit much.
SoBo had told her about some of the things in my life that are new and good (my faith, good marriage, etc) but she kept bringing up things that were no longer relevant. "Your dad used to Play D&D, he had a Satanic book (The Necronomicon), etc." Her only real complaints were from our first two years of our five year marriage. Needless to say we both did pretty mean and stupid things, but my mean and stupid stopped (as far as I can remember) after the first two years. Hers went on the entire five years.
I will admit, I was a lousy husband and I made a lot of mistakes, but I made sure that I did not continue living a destructive lifestyle. Accepting Jesus Christ changed all that. The problem? My ex-wife (SoBo's mom) cannot accept that. She is still stuck in the past when it comes to me, more specifically the first two years together.
I have tried to open up dialog with her to tell her that I am sorry for my part in our failed marriage. I was told that she had replied to the e-mail that was sent regarding this, but I never got it. Maybe it is a good thing that I did not.
Sobo went out of his way to compliment mis mom's current husband. He told me that her husband is intelligent and very patient...something that she needed. He also runs the house, but not in an authoritative way. Looking back (hindsight is always 20/20) that is exactly what my ex-wife needed. She needed a man to be in charge and take responsibility. That is something that I failed at until about 4 years ago.
Our son seemed a bit hurt that his mom is still stuck in the past, so I changed subject and we continued on discussing his plans for the future. He slipped back into talking about his mom a couple of times so we just kept it light. It is sad that he has to carry this baggage. It is hard to accept that I am 50% of the reason he has the issues he has. I was not a strong man when he was younger and that is what he and his mom both needed.
What is really quite interesting is that I have rarely thought about my ex until God placed it on my heart to ask her for forgiveness for the things that I did to undermine our marriage. And I am sure she would not be in my mind at all if SoBo was not living with her and talking about her when we see him.
I guess if there are any men out are reading this who are not the leaders of their household, then take my advice and be the strong dependable man your wife expects you to be.
The next day our son stopped by to drop off stuff my wife could recycle and chatted a bit more. He told us we would see him before he went back to the East coast. I hope we do. I have not heard from him since Wednesday, but he asked if he could come over and have lunch with us Saturday. We asked him where he wanted to go and he asked my wife if she would cook for him. "Sure!" she exclaimed, "what do you want?"
"Grilled cheese sandwiches." he replied. "I have not had a real good grilled cheese in at least 18 months."
Grilled cheese it is.
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