I am not sure what is wrong but I am just not myself this past week. I was to attend a care group Christmas party on Wednesday and I did not go. Tonight I am supposed to be at a Christmas party for the leadership of the church (I am on the board of trustees) but I have no desire to attend. I wonder if I have S.A.D.
I am on an island right now...an emotional one. I feel disconnected from just about everything and everyone...even my wife. I only come to work to get out of the house...I hate being here. I am also on call this week which means when I am not at work I am at home...shivers.
At work we just signed a new contract with our customer and the conditions of that contract are different than before. Many of the ways we used to work will be changing and they don't make a lot of sense to me. That is a big deal...I have trouble adjusting to things that don't make sense to me. Maybe that is why I never joined the military...I cannot just "do things" because I am told to...they have to make sense.
I have asked the powers that be what benefit the changes have to either party and those same powers cannot answer the questions. They are just doing what they are told...being "sheeple". I sometimes wonder how long I can take being here. Will I lose it and walk out, quitting on the spot, risking our home and standard of living?
Not only am I on an emotional island, but I am irritable...nothing seems to bring me joy. I feel about a million miles away from God and prayer is not coming easily. My thoughts wander, my words hollow and meaningless. I feel like a hypocrite.
The Christmas season seems to bring out the worst in me. I have no desire to buy gifts for those I love nor do I have the desire to receive them. About the only thing that is appealing is the evening walks. Those who put up lights have them lit and it really brightens my mood...until I get back home. I would stay out longer but it is generally cold and my poor 15 year old dog cannot handled being out long.
I am not sure why I am even posting this...I am not fishing for sympathy...just the opposite. When people notice (I tend to cover it up pretty well most of the time) and offer sympathy, it irritates me. I don't want the sympathy.
On to a cheerier subject, I am down to 185 lbs and most of the time I have been able to keep my appetite under control. I fasted for 24 hours the other day and when I woke up this morning I was only mildly hungry so I had a small breakfast and no lunch. I am still drinking 62 ounces of water at a minimum each and every day and I think that is helping a lot.
I have been reading a lot lately on dietary concepts...not diets per se, but concepts on how our bodies react to food. One that I read that was interesting (although a little weird) stated that our bodies have a weight point that is determined on how "tasty" our food is. It said that if we eat mostly tasty food our bodies associate the taste with appetite. If we eat food that is more bland, we convince our bodies that the food is only fuel and it will only crave what it needs.
There was more to this but that was the main concept. It was part of a diet called "Shangri La" and it advocated consuming a small amount of light olive oil or sucrose water a couple of hours between meals and then eating meals that are bland or unfamiliar. The idea is kinda kookie but it got me to thinking about how much processed food we as Americans eat each day. I figure the more processing that is done with food the less our bodies need to do to digest it and digesting food actually does burn calories. Not to mention that unprocessed foods will fill you up and will not be completely digested so they will be eliminated by the body naturally.
It is amazing how obsessed I have become with what I eat. I keep a log on "The Daily Plate" and it has been helpful in showing me what foods I need to cut down on or avoid all together.
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